by Teagan Hughes
art by Eva Sturm-Gross
[originally published November 2021]
It’s winter, and we all know what that means! That’s right: your hands are about to get all scaly like a dehydrated gecko. My fellow eczema enjoyers will know how hard this season can be for us: biting back the pain that comes with washing your hands, trying and failing to keep yourself protected from this crisp winter weather, clinging to your last bit of hope that maybe this brand of lotion will be the one that actually works. To mitigate the winter’s damage, here’s some tips:
Cut your fucking hands off. No hands, no eczema! This quick, painless solution is easy and effective.
Dunk them in scalding hot water every day. Eczema makes your skin dry, right? So the easiest way to fix eczema is to make your skin wet instead! Hot water will seep into the skin better and fix your eczema from the inside out. This quick fix will have no adverse effects whatsoever. You can trust me.
Get slimy. Slather that Eucerin on your hands every ten minutes to the point where you leave a little trail of slug slime on all of your friends whenever you touch them. They’ll love it.
Ask nicely. Eczema’s not heartless, you know.
Shed your skin like a cicada. You can also yell all the time like a cicada if you want, but that won’t help as much. I wouldn’t recommend the burying-yourself-in-the-dirt part, but that’s just me.
Wear fingerless gloves. Gloves are a great way to protect your dry skin from this punishing weather. The fingerless part is just so that you look cool. You’re gonna look so cool, trust me. No, trust me. I promise you can trust me.
Just itch it. It’s like they say: temporary relief is just as good as, if not better than, long-term management.
Get really into the Footloose (1984) soundtrack. This one won’t help with your eczema at all, but the Footloose soundtrack is so good that it’ll make you forget all about it.
There you have it! Eight quick, easy, and painless ways to mitigate the effects of this nippy weather on your dry skin. For very innocuous reasons, I will now state that I cannot be held legally responsible for the outcomes of any of these eczema management methods. Happy eczema-ing!