Zahra Stevick, Contributor
Oberlin College boasts a staff of erudite experts engaged in endless fields of examination, from ethnomusicology to Earth science. I interviewed them to find out more.
THE GRAPE: Here I am with Professor Riley Salmon of the Biology department, who specializes in holographic Egyptology. What a combination!
PROF SALMON: It’s actually horticultural entomology.
THE GRAPE: Professor, what can you tell us about your work?
PROF SALMON: The link between plants, insects, and the environment is quite fascinating—please don’t interfere with the terrariums.
THE GRAPE: Sorry.
PROF SALMON: Good eye, though. That Ocimum tenuiflorum is highly valued in certain cultures.
THE GRAPE: So is this edible?
PROF SALMON: Don’t touch that.
THE GRAPE: What’s the point of all this anyway?
PROF SALMON: Great question. The relevance of horticulture as it relates to the study of insects is often overlooked, and…are you trying to sneak that spider out of its cage?
THE GRAPE: No.
At this point, I was ejected from the laboratory.
THE GRAPE: Professor Amy Spoon is an expert in theoretical physics and its practical applications. Professor, I have a lot to ask you.
PROF SPOON: Fire away!
THE GRAPE: How can I de-loft my lofted bed without ruining my room setup? Here, I have pictures.
PROF SPOON: Uh…couldn’t you just move your dresser into that corner?
THE GRAPE: No, I need that corner for the fridge I use to store my orange juice.
PROF SPOON: You need a whole fridge just for orange juice?
THE GRAPE: No comment.
PROF SPOON: Don’t you want to know more about my research? I’ve found compelling evidence detailing the quantification of electromagnetic absorption in humans. Do you have any questions about that?
THE GRAPE: Sure. What does quantification mean?
At this point, Professor Spoon suddenly remembered an important meeting she needed to attend.
THE GRAPE: I am now speaking to Professor Cyril Popplestone, who has spent his life working on a study on neoclassical art and architecture that is almost ready to be published!
PROF POPPLESTONE: I started looking into this when Reagan was elected. I can’t believe it’s been almost twenty years!
THE GRAPE: Twenty?
PROF POPPLESTONE: The discovery of Herculaneum was particularly profound…forgive me, but I’m forgetting the year—
THE GRAPE: 1709? I just Googled it.
PROF POPPLESTONE: Egads! What in God’s name is that contraption?
THE GRAPE: Sorry? You mean my phone?
PROF POPPLESTONE: Here’s a miniature diorama I made to accompany my report. I’ve spent half my life on it. This is the Pantheon, and…careful with your orange juice—
THE GRAPE: Oops.
At this point, I judged it best to adjourn the interview.
THE GRAPE: Professor Ima Hardman is widely renowned for her work in economics. Professor, why was the study of economics invented?
PROF HARDMAN: Excuse me?
THE GRAPE: To make weather forecasters look good!
PROF HARDMAN: You think you’re clever, don’t you?
THE GRAPE: Not really.
PROF HARDMAN: Any real questions?
THE GRAPE: Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in ‘economics’ you get ‘comic nose?’
At this point, Professor Hardman slammed the door in my face.
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