by Alia Schreiber-Goldstein and Meredith Warden
[originally published spring 2020]
Ever gone to a party and felt left out because you don’t smoke? Here are some fun little games that will get everyone, even blasé smokers, excited.
Chinese finger trap—If you get stuck, use a lit cigarette to burn through the paper.
Rubik's Cube—fun and will impress the non-smoking ladies
Little ball (tennis or rugby)—timeless and endlessly entertaining
Candy cigarettes—from a distance, no one will know. Also, if someone wants to bum one off of you, just eat all of them. Sugar takes a longer time to kill you than cigarettes do.
A harmonica—instead of putting harmful carcinogens into your system, entertain everyone around you with your innovative tunes (yes, you COULD be a Con student).
Cell phone—call your mom and complain, VERY loudly, about secondhand smoke.
Board game—One with a bunch of little pieces and different kinds of cards and a spinner that you need to, like, assemble? If you start playing by yourself, maybe you’ll get some people to stop smoking and join you, but even if not, you’ll effectively claim the entirety of the porch’s sole table.
A Cigarette—If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.