by Juli Freedman
Bad Habits Editor
[originally published March 25, 2022]
On March 10th, students and professors gathered in Tappan Square to talk about equitable compensation and bring attention to further demands by surrounding the Cox administration building. While those in attendance found the demonstration to be powerful, they are not sure whether the school will take tangible action. We sent our resident teacher’s pet, Juli Freedman, to scope out the scene. Freedman sat down with Lex Loother, head of Loother Public Relations, to discuss the administration and trustee board’s proposal to compromise on these issues.
Juli Freedman: Hello! Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice
Lex Loother: No problem little girl!
JF: Well let’s get right to the questions why don’t we. What is included in the administration's proposal to the demands of the professors and students?
LL: Oh boy! I think you guys are really going to love this! We have set up a 12-point plan to fully compensate our beloved educators.
JF: Oh that’s awe-
LL: First we will be providing all professors a 30-day free trial of Audible if they sign up with the code SOLIDARITY. That’s audible.com/SOLIDARITY and get your first month free and the rest of your months triple the regular.
JF: Oh, see I thought meant like wage—
LL: Silly tiny little girl, I’m getting there!
JF: Oh okay, go ahead.
LL: Our next step is to give every professor a little glass paperweight on their desk that says “You are valued.” *sniff sniff* Sorry I’m just tearing up just thinking about it. Step three will include a matching glass dolphin vase which will have sand art correlating to the flag design of their sexuality, or the colors of their pronouns. As a way of saying, “we see you slay gay”.
JF: Oh my god
LL: Over the next 30 years we will be tearing down J-House to build a Bubly Nap Pod Castle. Our best friends over at Bubly will be donating 4.3 million dollars for this project. Not only will we have nap pods, but scream rooms, fight rings and a ZARA. Everyone say “love you Bubly!”
JF: Love you bubly…
LL: Oh okay step number 5 is one of my favorites, we will be bringing in Kelly Clarkson for an exclusive performance in Finney. Now that Kelly is more TV than singer, it was almost impossible to get her here, but I pulled a few strings. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! And hey, taking away dental won’t kill ya!
JF: Taking away dental?!
LL: Okay so in order to fund this next one we will be charging $5 for laundry, buuuuut, we will be putting fire extinguishers in all the buildings.
JF: There are buildings without fire exting—
LL: Okay hold on to your horses, because if you thought wow this is already just too much
JF: Not exactly but
LL: Then you will blow your brains when you see how cute these Langston Middle Schoolers are in their production of Dear Evan Hansen. We will be taking them out of school to provide entertainment, so when you have your next little “Boo Oberlin” gathering, Oberlin wants you to know that even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, and when you're broken on the ground, you will be found.
JF: Oh no no no no
LL: We know you SJWs hate institutions, and hey we are one of the cool ones, so Oberlin will launch our official “Down With Big Union” campaign. We already made signs that say “Union more like Boo-ion” and “Comrade more like Cum Rag”
JF: There’s gotta be better puns
LL: And you know how student workers are always like ahh this is too much money what do we do with all of it?!?
JF: Not really
LL: Well if all of those “people” pool half their paychecks, we could get a really big bounce house. Like super big. I had one at my son’s party and the kids went totally feral for it. I talked to the bouncy guys and they said they could throw in a free rusty snow cone machine. Just lick around the rust.
JF: Are we getting to the good stuff soon?
LL: Oh totally, really good stuff here. Um, well in step ten, we have ummmm well I am not sure how well this will translate over interview, but I have this cameo of Murr from Impractical Jokers saying “Oberlin loves you! Stay strong!”
JF: I guess it's cool that he did that.
LL: Well that is because we told him if he filmed it we could bring him on as our new head of GSFS, and if it weren’t for Bubly’s generous donation, we would not get to have him! So say another “Love you bubly”
JF: Love you…bubly….
LL: We will be gifting an edible arrangement!
JF: I guess those bouquets are sweet
LL: No. Bouquet.
JF: Bouquet?
LL: We will be throwing one bouquet in the middle of Wilder Bowl and scream “BOYS IT”S SLOP TIME” and watch all those little piglets squeal for their stick of fruit…if they’re lucky.
JF: Now that seems a little messed up
LL: And the last step in our 12-point program is that we are going to a big ass golden box right outside Decafe. When you walk into the box you can video chat with someone from a different country.
JF: Didn’t you guys do that a few years ago?
LL: Yeah, we literally did, this was a real thing that happened, and it was a huuuuge hit.
JF: So when do higher wages come into play?
LL: You people and your “money, money, money.” It's all you care about. Maybe you should take a page out of the holy word of Jessie J. WE just wanna make the world dance, because WE don't care about the price tag. And I really hope you don’t take that in an antisemetic way because I couldn’t even tell you were a Jew until after I read your name and met you and I just wanted to say that you guys are people too :)
JF: It was so great to sit down with you.