An Official Apology

by Isabel Hardwig

Contributor


[originally published March 25, 2022]

 

Times change, and so do the facts. We at the Grape would like to take a moment to apologize for all the things we’ve said in previous issues that now seem kind of uncool and untrue. We acknowledge that it was very, very wrong of us to spread these rumors along the Oberlin student body, and we are very sorry for any harm we may have caused. We would also like to clarify that, from this day forward, everything published in the Grape will be 100% right and good.


We no longer stand by our claim that you cannot get pregnant if you have sex while wearing a hat. That was our bad.


In a previous article about “favorite holes,” we named several items that are, upon further consideration, NOT holes, such as snakes (contain holes, not themselves holes) and the Bermuda Triangle (famously a triangle)


We should not have said that it’s cool and fine to bite a dog if it bites you first, and we should have taken full responsibility for that claim instead of attributing it to a bill that recently passed the Senate.


In a recent multi-issue debate about the funniest single digit number, we erroneously came to the conclusion that it was 5. We at the Grape would like to clarify that it is, in fact, 9.


It was not nice of us to run an article on “Ugliest Bangs in This Creative Writing Class Right Now,” and we apologize specifically to anyone whose full name was used


We should not have claimed that you are legally allowed to leave class if the professor doesn’t show up after fifteen minutes. This is NOT true and you WILL be arrested


This is just like a personal thing but Mom when I was 15 I told you that I “didn’t know” why the upstairs bathroom smelled like weed and we at the Grape would like to acknowledge that it was probably because I was smoking weed in there.


All of the 613 nipple jokes we have made in the past are extremely tasteless, and we apologize in advance for reusing all of them in the upcoming “Nipple Throwback Issue”


We no longer stand by the claim that you cannot contract an STI if you go bowling directly before and after sex.


We apologize profusely for all of these errors, and promise to do better in the future. Again, anything not mentioned in this list and anything published afterward can be assumed to be completely factual and the best thing that anyone has ever said about any topic.