Ask Dr. Gags Vol. 10

by Dr. Gagatha Creampie

Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist


[originally published May 9, 2022]

 

This is The Oberlin Grape’s recurring installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or how to seduce a lover with a little trail of peanut M&Ms (pretty self-explanatory) feel free to reach out to Dr. Gags by emailing thegrape@oberlin.edu


 

Dear Dr. Gags,


I’m a senior and still a virgin! At first it was for religious reasons, but now that I have been excommunicated from the Catholic Church, I’m dying to lose it!


Pray for me!

-The Immaculate Contraception


Dear The Immaculate Contraception,


As a God Lover myself, and by God I obviously mean L. Ron Hubbard, I totally know what you mean by having your religion be a pesky little roadblock to being a total fucking skank. But here’s a little trick I have learned along the way: tell everyone what a sex freak you are, how you have sex everyday seven times a day, and how yoou lost your virginity at the top of a ferris wheel on your sixteenth birthday while you were on your period and the carney was all like was someone murdered here?!?! And you were like “no one was murdered . . .unless you are talking about just my suuuuuper tight pussy and flappy labia.” Everyone you tell this to will laugh so hard they would dare to doubt your popped cherry status. You will have everyone feasting over this sex god, you might just have sex that night in the tornado shelter! Be careful of the rusty nails!


To all the shots we need to get,

Gags


 

Dear Gags,


I just started hooking up with this guy who wears earrings and explained each shot of his favorite Bob Dylan documentary to me for three hours. He’s so cute and smart. The one issue is that he can’t cum unless he’s listening to noise music... and I hate noise music.


-Bad Noise Boning


Dear Bad Noise Boning,


Honey bun, I’m so sorry. You are truly screwed. May I ask, are both ears pierced or just one? Back in my day, having one ear pierced (left one) meant gay…so you should check in on that for sure. Never let a man talk for longer than 3 minutes at a time. I have lived my whole life by that rule, and look at me now!! 5 boy children, a minivan and this fckn column! Also, I do not believe he necessarily “needs” to cum. And what if, instead of that loud music, you scream in his face instead?? I have definitely done that, and it has always worked for me! Why don’t you try the screaming thing and get back to me. If that does not work, I would call it quits <3.


Love love love,

Gags

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