by Dr. Gagatha Creampie
Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist
[originally published May 20, 2022]
This is The Oberlin Grape’s latest installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or just getting over your fear of intimacy right before you graduate college, feel free ot reach out to Dr. Gags through emailing thegrape@oberlin.edu
Dear Dr. Gags,
Your column has really helped me navigate intimacy during my first year here at Oberlin. I was wondering if you could help me out with one last question before the year ends? Should I stay with my girlfriend and do long-distance over the summer? It was so easy when we both lived in Hark together, we would meet in the communal shower every morning and talk about our days over a bowl of burnt beans each night. But now I’m scared!!
SOS Dr.!!!,
Naked and Afraid of Long Distance
Dear Naked and Afraid of Long Distance,
It feels like just yesterday I was ending my Freshman year at Lewis & Clark in 1932. God, I miss college! Back then, we also used to shower together (we were all single when we got in the shower…). Anyways, I adore long-distance questions. Ultimately, this is a decision you must make for yourself, but I can help guide you along. A few questions for you–how much do you like your girlf? And how long have you been going steady? I know I’ve brought this up a few times before, but when I was in that open-relationship with Andy Warhol in the 60s, we did long-distance for a few months while he was traveling the world looking for inspiration for his f*cking Marilyn Monroe pop art and that soup can sh*t!! Since sexting wasn’t invented yet, we had to send disgustingly graphic letters with polaroid pictures and detailed illustrations. It was real hot at first, but got old fast. Luckily for you, there are so many more ways to get nasty via the internet! Stay hopeful cookiepie.
Ily,
Gags!
Dear Dr. Gags,
My girlfriend is a mermaid and I can only cum using vibrators. It is a tricky situation because I want to cum blast so hard, but I don’t want to electrocute her! Gah!
Help!,
Down Where It’s Wetter
Dear Down Where It’s Wetter,
First off, congratulations! I heard that mermussy hits sooo different. It’s at the top of my bucket list! Okay not onto your “problem” (god people keep sending me questions that aren’t real problems, you are all just crazy and irrational! Do you smell any gas coming from that light?), have you even asked your merGF if she likes getting shocked? I once went to this underwater BDSM club off the Florida coast, and the merbitches there were obsessed with grinding their raw mermussy all over these ooey gooey electric eels. They could not get enough of it. I don’t know if your merbae is a total prude or whatever, but I think if you took the time to explore her culture you would see that electrocution is maybe what she really wants. And lets says she is a total bore and doesn’t want to get electrocuted, you can do this thing I learned to do a long time ago when I was dating this scientist guy whatever his name is and he did this thing where every time he rang a bell I like projectile squirted. And we did this experiment so much that now when I walk around campus and the clock strikes, I squirt across Tappan on the hour. So why don’t you fix your sex-negative infested brain and fully liberate yourself like me!
Ga Ga Oh La La,
Gags!