by Dr. Gagatha Creampie
Oberlin Grape Resident Sexologist
[originally published March 25, 2022]
This is The Oberlin Grape’s recurring installment of Ask Dr. Gags, an advice column from our resident sexologist Dr. Gagatha McCreampie. If you have a question about sex, intimacy, dating, or breaking the Guinness World Record for most cum guzzled under a minute, feel free to reach out to Dr. Gags through emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Dr. Gags,
Two of my best friends who aren’t best friends want to have a threesome without me! Should I feel jealous or relieved they didn’t include me to explore their bodies? Did I potentially lose two friends?
Currently Sobbing, Unlucky Third
Dear Unlucky Third,
Have you ever considered that maybe your friends actually hate you? Like they talk about you when you’re not there. They think that you don’t notice the flaws they tear to shreds in their shit talk sessions, but it’s the exact things you are most insecure about. Maybe they even talk about things you thought no one would notice, but oh honey they know about the weird pussy rash. Really sucks that you are a friendless loser. I was once in your position, I mean they still wanted a threesome and actually I was the one to decline, but then I met my husband. And now husband is only friend. He is so brunette when he speaks. Everyone says that your kids are your built-in best friends, but I would pack all of them on a Greyhound to soar into the Grand Canyon if that meant I die before my husband does so I don’t go a day without him. His glassy eyes and straw like chest hair make me go wild. So yeah, just find a husband who will fill the void of all the friends you will ever have or need in your life!
I love Love!,
Dear Dr. Gags,
I’ve been an avid reader for a few months now, and I really trust your opinion. I was wondering if you could tell me how you know when you’ve found ‘the one?’
It always warms my heart to meet a devoted fan! I love all my fans, especially the most helpless in-love ones. I’m going to let you in on a little secret sugarpie…there is no such thing as ‘the one!’ I know this might come as a mighty shock, but stay with me babe. G*d herself made dozens, possibly hundreds of people for each of us to fall in-love with. Honey, sometimes it’s just intuition! And it’s okay to make mistakes in love. For example, as I was walking down the aisle to marry my 4th husband, I was like ehhh maybe this wasn’t the best idea, but I did it because I love the drama!! And you know what I got out of it? A huge diamond I sold on ebay for a small fortune and two of my boy children, SmackyMcSucker and E.D. McCreampie! And then I met my 5th husband. Hope that helps.