By Maya Denkmire
Contributor
There are too many Mayas at Oberlin.
I am sorry, but it had to be said. There are only so many times I can turn my head during a co-op meal only to be forestalled by another Maya before it becomes a real problem. It’s not just in my co-op either. Every single group project I have done this year has had at least one other Maya in it. And to top it all off, last week my advisor told me she’s going to change her name to Maya to “make herself more relatable to her students”???
In the face of what is frankly a Maya Crisis, I have compiled a list of the top three best Mayas and the top three worst Mayas at Oberlin College so you know which ones are worth your time and which ones you should not bother adding to your Maya repertoire.
Worst Mayas:
Maya Who Only Got a 3 On The Kinsey Scale And Is A Little Upset About It
This Maya is grumpy. Maybe her only relationship was with her long term highschool boyfriend and that is skewing her results a little!! Did you ever think about that, Mr Kinsey?? And where is the question about whether or not you lied to your Close Female Friend in fourth grade and told her you couldn’t find the shirt she left at your house when really you knew exactly where it was and kept it and treasured it for years? Does that not warrant a bit more recognition of gayness?? This Maya has a lot of self-reflection to do and will not have time for you.
Maya Who Punched You In The Face
Ouch, that smarts. You do not want to cross Mayas as they can be quite strong and feisty, but it looks like it’s too late for that advice and now you have to reap the consequences.
Maya Who Wants You to Know They Are Too Sober For The Jellyfish Parade
Some Mayas should be seen and not heard.
Best Mayas:
Maya Who Is Going To Trader Joe’s Later This Week
Now, this is a Maya you freeze-dried-strawberry fiends will want by your side. She totally has room for you to come along if you’re okay with sitting in the trunk on her friend Drew’s lap!
Maya the Ghoul
You might be thinking, “Maya the Ghoul doesn’t even talk! She just moans and sort of squelches through the walls of the Peters basement. Why on earth is she the second most worthy Maya on campus?” Well, that may be true. But what is also true about Maya the Ghoul is that, like all ghouls, she can print for free!! Need to print an obscene number of handouts for your creative writing class? Look no further! Printing quotas simply do not apply to ghouls (look it up) and thus Maya the Ghoul is an invaluable companion.
Maya My Therapist Knows At Oberlin
Personally I know nothing about this Maya other than that my therapist casually mentioned knowing another Maya at Oberlin the other day, but I am absolutely certain that they are the best Maya of all.