by Izzy Halloran and Daisy Vollen
[art by Levi Dayan, originally published spring 2020]
Greta Gerwig’s Little Women was a Little Disappointment. Maybe a big one. The hype behind this movie is perplexing--and quite frankly, stupid. Who cares about these women and their domestic lives? They’re not even that little, I mean they’re teenagers at the very least. From the get-go there are a lot of issues here, and everyone else might be afraid to say it because it was a “woman director,” but I won’t sit here and let PC culture continue to censor me when it’s clearly what everyone’s thinking.
Let’s start with the primary “little woman” in question. I don’t understand why everyone decided Sertia Ronan is such an indie darling all of a sudden. If I wanted to see Ladybird as a period piece, I would have just watched Ladybird again but imagined her in a colonial dress. While Ladybird is on the table, I would love for someone to explain this Timothée Chalamet situation to me. I’m not gay, but I can tell he’s a seven at most. And that’s by Ohio standards. Little Women? More like Little Man. I’m 6’3, and I have a good five inches on him. And that pic of him kissing Johnny Depp’s smoking hot daughter? Straight up gross. He should be barred from Hollywood.
Speaking of daughters, let’s talk about Amy. Shrill much? All the girl does is whine and moan, it’s such a turn off. And over freakin’ Timmy?? Pathetic. He’s not worth it, Amy. I definitely couldn’t spend another two hours and fifteen minutes with her, but in all honesty, I’d still hit that. She could do better than Timmy. Also, his name in the movie is “Laurie,” which is a girl’s name, so strike number three for this “male protagonist.”
Let’s move onto Emma Watson as Meg. Emma Watson was a straight up babe while remaining faithful to her husband, so no complaints right now.
Jo, however… don’t get me started on Jo. From the beginning I knew she was no good. She friendzones Laurie and decides she wants him once it’s too late. First, she wants the French professor, then rejects him because he offered valid critiques of her writing. Finally, she decides she wants him again because he’s too hot to let go. Make up your mind, Jo! I may not like Laurie, but friendzoning is not cool and I feel for him there.
Moreover, there’s no chance I’d read her book. Seriously, who gave that woman a quill and parchment? Blow those candles out and go to bed, sweetie. Searsha would have been alright if she had never cut her hair and just took care of her dying sister instead. Poor Beth deserved better. What an angel. Literally now. I’m weeping as I write this. A moment of silence for Beth…
This back and forth between characters is reminding me of those god awful flashbacks that Greta loves so much. They were so confusing, just horribly done. That whole theater was left perplexed AF, I could feel it. It was a little more clear when they cut Cersei’s hair, I’ll give it that, but if a haircut is the only tool in Greta’s toolbox, maybe it’s a sign that she should go back to the shed and not come out until she’s grabbed some more tools.
All in all, this movie was a poor attempt at a feel good film for a niche target audience. It was slow, it was confusing, and it didn’t deserve its Oscar Noms (aside from Best Costume, which it rightfully won). I say enough with the Timothée Chalamet, enough with the ScarJo Ronan, enough with the “Greta Gerwig.” Save your money--go see Joker instead.
This review is dedicated to Beth March (1849-1868). Rest in Peace.