Priya Banerjee & Teagan Hughes
Editor-in-Chief & Staff Writer
[originally published June 3, 2022]
I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred by Teagan Hughes
I’m too sexy for my [term of endearment] ___________, too sexy for my [term of endearment] ___________, [term of endearment] ___________’s going [verb] ___________ me. I’m too sexy for my [item of clothing] ___________, too sexy for my [item of clothing] ___________, so sexy it [verb] ___________. And I’m too sexy for [city] ___________, too sexy for [another city] ___________, [and another city] ___________, and [country] ___________. And I’m too sexy for your [event] ___________, too sexy for your [event] ___________, no way I’m [music genre] ___________ [verb ending in -ing] __________. I’m a [profession] ___________, you know what I mean, and I do my [size] ___________[action] ___________ on the [structure] ___________. On the [structure] ___________, on the [structure] ___________, yeah, I do my [size] ___________ [action] ___________ on the [structure]. I’m too sexy for my [mode of transport] ___________, too sexy for my [mode of transport], too sexy by [distance]. And I'm too sexy for my [accessory] ___________, too sexy for my [accessory] ___________, what d'ya think about that? I'm a [profession] ___________, you know what I mean, and I do my [size] ___________ [action] ___________ on the [structure]. On the [structure] ___________, on the [structure] ___________, yeah, I [verb] ___________ my [size] ___________ [body part] ___________ on the [structure] ___________. I'm too sexy for my [animal] ___________, too sexy for my [animal] ___________, poor pussy, poor pussy [animal] ___________. I'm too sexy for my [term of endearment] ___________, too sexy for my [term of endearment] ___________, [term of endearment] ___________’s going to [verb] ___________ me. And I'm too sexy for this [unit of media] ___________.
Carmen’s Revenge by Priya Banerjee
The day had finally come when all the seniors were to graduate from Oberlin College. They all lined up around the freshly [past tense verb] ___________ lawns of Tappan Square. Suddenly, they heard loud [noun] ___________ from afar, which was their signal to start walking through the [noun] ___________ commemorating the Boxer Rebellion in China. The first senior, whose name was [person in the room] ___________Anderson started walking [adverb]___________ towards the stage. Suddenly, President Ambar jumped out of the [noun] ___________ and tackled [same name of person] ___________to the ground. She turned to the crowd and announced, “Adam cannot graduate because he stole Yeobie’s [noun] ___________and stomped on his [part of the body]___________!” The crowd gasped and took tomatoes from their pockets and threw them at [same name of person]___________’s [part of the body]. After all the hubbub, the ceremony continued as normal. The commencement speaker was the CEO of [company name] who had just received thet [adjective] ___________ [noun] ___________ award by [celebrity]___________. Everyone clapped and cheered and threw their [noun] in the air. Congrats grads!
The Worst Graduation Party Ever by Teagan Hughes
Last May, my sister had the most [adjective] ___________ graduation part ever. She had finally finished her degree in [verb ending in -ing] ___________ [abstract noun] ___________, and we knew we had to celebrate. At first, the party was [adjective] ___________. But then, [campus celebrity] ___________ showed up and [past tense verb] ___________ everything! [Interjection] ___________! Then [past tense verb] ___________ the [noun] ___________, [past tense verb] ___________ on the [plural noun] ___________, and even [past tense verb] ___________ the charcuterie board. My sister was so [emotion] she [past tense verb] ___________! But don’t worry, she’s fine now! After graduation she got a job [verb ending in -ing] ___________ [plural noun] ___________ for [morally reprehensible corporation] ___________. But I know she’ll always remember her [adjective] ___________ graduation party. Here’s hoping mine goes better!
The ‘Rents Are in Town by Teagan Hughes
My parents are having such a great time in Oberlin! Last night, I took them to [local store] ___________, and they loved it so much they [adverb] ___________ [past tense verb] ___________! Then, we went to dinner at [local restaurant] ___________, and my dad ordered the “[adjective] ___________ [noun] ___________.” What an Oberlin classic! This morning my mom saw [student org] ___________ [verb ending in -ing] ___________ on Wilder Bowl and introduced herself. Now she’s an honorary member! My parents never wanna leave campus!