by LovingPaws Cat Shelter
[originally published October 2021]
Hello new students! We know what a crazy year it has been but we are more excited than ever to have your smiling faces back on campus and in our lovely town. We know that you may be on the hunt for a new furry friend in your life to provide emotional support or just some boops on the snoot. While we encourage you to come on down to our shelter, in light of cases in the past, we must once again publish our Do Not Adopt List of 2021. While they may look cute, these guys are vicious and should not be messed with.
VICK
Wow, take a gander at this scumbag. You can just tell he’s up to no good. All he wants to do is drink booze, get in fights, and pretend like he ain’t never loved a woman. But don’t let this tortured soul tell you his life story, because he won’t tell you about Sheila. Before Vick, was Victor, an upstanding citizen, a law student, and head over heels in love with a flight attendant he met on a trip to Detroit. Next thing you know, she’s meeting the family, he gives her the keys to his place, and they’re talking about the future. He even bought a glistening diamond ring. But one day she went to work on a flight to Timbuktu and never returned. He heard from her mother that she was off with the pilot, and it only lasted a couple of weeks. When he asked her mother why, she hung up. Since then, he just lives with the ache of never knowing. Was it him? Was it all moving too fast? Was he too focused on the law of the land and not the law of his lady? So he abandoned the big firm to be a low-life-good-for-nothing, swearing off love for the rest of his meaningless life.
So yeah, you can try to fix him, many have attempted, but you can never mend a heart so broken and so in denial. Do not adopt.
ANGEL
Don’t let her name (that she chose) fool you, this kitty is nothing but an absolute demon. She might be tolerable, if it wasn’t for all the lying. And she’s one of those liars where the lies are just unnecessary. For instance, I asked her “did you leave a hairball in the kitchen?” I made sure to let her know I wasn’t mad, I just had some guests coming over and I wish she would just take two seconds to clean it up. But she was all like, “No, but I wonder who it was…” and just looked at me as if I was the one that left it there. When have I ever in my life even tried to make a hairball? Meanwhile this girl has the same grey hairballs all over her bed and has the audacity to ask some “open-ended question” when she knows it was just me and her living there. Another example was when I was like “do you think this skirt looks good on me?” I was only really asking this to be considerate, not because I actually wanted her fashion advice, but she responds, “it’s a little short for you, isn’t it?” In all fairness, the skirt was short, but nothing too scandalous, especially for watching my boyfriend’s band play at Cheetah’s (which was awesome baby, I know you’re reading this, you rocked!) It’s like she gets off on making me feel so horrible about myself and I would not recommend letting her into your house. Do not adopt.
RUFUS
Do you see how fugly this cat is??? Do. Not. Adopt.