By Juli Freedman
Bad Habits Editor
[originally published June 2021]
Welcome to a segment we like to call (fist pump it with me!) GOOD! OR! BAD! A little game where we tell you if something is a good habit, or quite possibly, a bad habit.
PORN
Good: gets rocks off
Bad: not all of it lesbian
Verdict: good when lesbian
FLUORIDE
Good: for teeth
Bad: for water? I guess
Verdict: Feed me more of that good shit. I want fangs! Mmm yeah refreshing
JUDAISM
Good: Culture (Joan Rivers)
Bad: Services
Verdict: Cultural Jew
FARTS
Good: When mine
Bad: When others
Verdict: Hand to butt, fart, then sniff hand
WEED
Good: Cool
Bad: Your friends that say it makes them anxious
Verdict: Fuck ‘em! Bunch of pussies!
GIRLS
Good: pretty
Bad: complicated
Verdict: I still see your shadows in my room….
CRIME
Good: true crime
Bad: false crime
Verdict: ambiguous crime
FATHERS DAY
Good: Call dad! Oh that guy better have some stories!
Bad: What the fuck do I get this loser? He likes golf, beer, my mom, books about presidents…
Verdict: Swim trunks with a fancy little hairless cat on them! (Something I will steal later!)
BEE
Good: Akeelah and the ___
Bad: *Italian Accent* Mama Mia! I ah kill (keel) a whole family of __s!!!
Verdict: Save the Bees! And by bees I obviously mean the spelling kind!
TV
Good: Shorter than movie
Bad: Longer than phone
Verdict: Phone break during TV
BIG PHARMA
Good: Mood Stabilizers
Bad: Martin Schkreli
Verdict: Great!