by Juli Freedman
Bad Habits Editor
art by Priya Banerjee
[originally published May 9, 2022]
So you found your toxic bae for toxic bae spring. You’re codependent. You guys bicker loudly at important family ordeals. You have run through every food taster in the kingdom because you can’t stop trying to poison each other. You catch bae looking at instagram model and light their car on fire. But wow the sex is really fucking bomb. Oh boy have I been there! One sloppy toppy, extra sloppy please! But now you are entering empathy bae summer—oh no! Empathy bae summer is all about making nice with family, eating uncontaminated food, respecting bae’s phone time, keeping the car intact, and having ‘good enough’ sex. As a soul sucking demon this can be quite a terrifying endeavor. You may be thinking, guess I have to let go of toxic bae, right? WRONG! Here are a few ways you can keep toxic bae, but just change them. Manipulating the other person to be more like yourself is what relationships are all about!
1.) Raise a kid together!
We all know the saying, “there’s no wrong way to raise a child! All parents are perfect!” So why not just give it a shot because what’s there to lose?! You can indulge in some of your toxic behaviors, for instance, when friends ask to hang out with you but you would rather only ever hang out with bae ever, just say you are busy with “the kid.” No one can say shit to you AND your codependency gets fed like the worms you will be chewing and spitting into a baby mouth.
2.) Positive Reinforcement
Pavlov dog your toxic bae into empathy! Bae makes you no cum? Bae can get a tiny treat. Like a teeny-weeny chocolate truffle. Soul-sucking demons go fucking nutzo for some chocolate truffles, just like dogs. Maybe they ask you how your day was or if you have feelings in general (which I know can feel super clingy and annoying) but maybe you reward them with some light lying — because soul sucking demons are too busy sucking souls to have feelings— and a teensy-weensy little baby chocolate truffle.
3.) Go with them to therapy without them knowing
They won’t write about it in Psychology Today, but the biggest secret in the biz is that in most therapists’ offices, there is a tiny gloryhole. Most therapists offices are really just converted brothels, if it wasn’t obvious already. And behind that gloryhole, is a room where your parents and best friends sit and listen to you. If bae already knows about this, then tell them you got a special hole-free shrinks, and with the right amount of cash, hole therapists will pretend to be super anti-hole.
4.) Just doing what you do best...
Suck their fucking soul! Do they have a personality? A group of friends? A level of taste? An ethical code? NOT ANYMORE! The best thing about this is by harboring their evil sadistic soul in your sacred amulet, you can always give it back once toxic bae spring returns. Remember, while they may never appreciate your soul sucking, it really was for the best.