by Levi Dayan
Editor-in-Chief
art by Eva Sturm-Gross
[originally published April 22, 2022]
Readers of The Grape, welcome to a new recurring* feature in The Grape in which I, the Editor-in-Chief of The Grape, impart my wisdom in the fields of hot takes and crazy predictions onto the readers. Using my powerful insights, I was able to foresee the list of potential performers at the upcoming Solarity concert. After having successfully predicted the Great Mudd Shaving Incident of 2018, the Great Hand Foot and Mouth Outbreak of 2020, and both the announcement and cancellation of Smino as the headliner for last semester’s Solarity, my expertise in predicting the future has been well established, and now that I have an outlet to share it, I’ll be fuckin damned if anyone’s gonna stop me from sharing my prophecies. Anyways I hope you like these bands and artists, because they’re coming to town whether you like it or not!!!
Art Garfunkel
The Simon & Garfunkel frontman is considered one of the frontrunners in the race to headline Solarity this semester. His angelic vocals, warm sense of humor and rich sex appeal have all coalesced to make him an obvious choice for the Solarity bookers. And keep an eye out for a cameo from his creepy looking son!
Ringo Starr’s All-Starr Band
Believe it or not, this music legend was all set to perform Solarity a few years ago, but the Great Coronavirus Pandemic of 2020 put a stop to those plans. Whether or not the Jews were involved in this cancellation has yet to be determined, but it doesn’t matter because the Starrman just might be performing at Solarity after all! My visions of the future tell me that if Ringo Starr’s All-Starr Band were to perform at Solarity, they would add to their rotating cast of music legends - which in the past has included Grank Funk Railroad conducter Mark Farner, Eagles guitar god Joe Walsh, and the guy from Men At Work - members from Oberlin’s hottest bands. So get ready to see Ringo backed by members of bands like Winebox, Hot Sperm Bobby and Cud Dad. Peace and love!
Dead & Company & Company
And here is the moment where my fortune telling prowess knocks everyone’s ass into their balls. The music world was recently devastated by reports that Dead & Company’s spring 2022 tour would be their last, and then confused when said reports were seemingly refuted by swole king Bob Weir. The truth is that no one knows the truth… except for me. And that truth is that Dead & Company will be over after their spring 2022 tour, but much like a phoenix rises from the ashes, Dead & Company & Company will emerge from the rotting corpse of the previous band. Just as the band Dead & Company originated from the concerts celebrating the 50th anniversary of the vastly inferior band Grateful Dead, Dead & Company & Company will form to celebrate seven whole years of Dead & Company. And just as Dead & Company featured original members Bob Weir, Mickey Hart and Bill Kreutzmann along with some newer members of the Dead family, Dead & Company & Company will feature founding Dead & Company members Oteil Burbridge, Jeff Chimenti and foundational Delta Blues guitar player John Mayer alongside some fresh faces, including Everlast, the Sugar Ray guy, and Machine Gun Kelly. Considering Oberlin’s long and storied history as a hotspot for Mayer-heads, it only makes sense that Dead & Company & Company would make their grand debut at Solarity.
*The Grape cannot confirm this claim