by Izzy Halloran
[originally posted fall 2020]
Bro, thank you so much for considering my screenplay pitch. I think you are not gonna be disappointed by what you read or by the fat stack of dollar bills my dad is paying you. This is pretty personal for me, but in a way, it also speaks to a universal experience: trying to find connection in isolation.
LIGHTS UP
Chug a red bull, freeze frame, trick shot--sink it into the garbage can. Address camera in a buehler-esque way.
ME: Corona? A year ago my response would’ve been hell yeah, let’s pop open a cold one. But nowadays, when someone mentions Rona, I know we are not about to kick back.
I was absolutely pulling on Tinder before Rona-19 hit. Now I only pull a little bit. This is--love in the age of Rona-- and it’s especially hard for a guy like me. You thought we had our guards up before? Statistics say that trust issues have gone up 25%. I know what you’re thinking...you can spout big numbers at us all day, but we’re not gonna understand it. So I’ll put it simply. Pre-quar, for every 4 chicks I matched with on Tinder, about 3 messaged me back. Now, I average 2 girls, a 25% decrease.
LIVE AUDIENCE: Awwwwww
ME: But relax, cause a nice guy like me? I can still get a girl’s panties and mask off with just a little smooth talking. Watch and learn my guys.
Cut to ME talking up a HOT CHICK on Tinder.
ME: Classic opening line: “Okay, I’m here. What are your other two wishes?”
(LIVE AUDIENCE losing their shit laughing)
ME: Sometimes, I like to think of Covid as a state of mind. Mind over matter is real as hell. Being happy is a decision. We’ve become too accustomed to the easy fix--antidepressants, therapy, pot/weed/marijuana (excluding Juul cause that’s a lifestyle). Sometimes I like to remind people to smile more. I also say inspiring shit such as “this too shall pass” and “life’s what you make it.”
HOT CHICK WITH ENORMOUS MILKY HONKERS: Damn that’s so deep you must have a huge cock.
ME: (back to audience) When the time is right, I launch into a lengthy paragraph about how lonely I am. Hot chicks love sad dudes.
ME: Quarantine led to some dark headspaces, some lonely times in my mom’s basement. These trying times made me realize my need for a warm body. Our society is like in that book 1984. In this Orwellian hellscape, we’re under constant surveillance. Big brother is watching, bro. They’re in our heads, our schools, our food, everything.
HOT CHICK WITH A DUMP TRUCK ASS: (blah blah blah something personal her dad has covid or something I wasn’t listening)
ME: Wow that sucks, good luck tho. We should chill and smoke.
(VOICEOVER while I have graphic onscreen sex with the HOT CHICK):
Love in the Age of Rona will follow my journey through these uncertain times--my trials and tribulations, biggest triumphs, greatest defeats, epic pranks, tik tok trends, and ultimately, a search for my princess. You’re not gonna want to miss this.
Put on sick sunglasses, chug a Four Loko. Drive off into the sunset. The car explodes.
Play epic title sequence for “Love in the Age of Rona” and fade to black.