by Juli Freedman
Bad Habits Editor
art by Eva Sturm-Gross
[originally published May 20, 2022]
You know what they say: there is nothing college kids love more than swimming in their own piss! So lucky for us, the highly anticipated Squirtland opens up this weekend and boy do they have much in store for this splash zone! Waterslides! Lazy Rivers! Face Paint where the paint is nooooot waterproof and the guy doing it is a very heavy breather! Here at Bad Habits (recently seceded from parent company The Grape out of spite), we got all the insider scoop before the official opening. We sent resident pool jets masturbator, Juli Freedman, on the scene to talk to some stoked, or should we say soaked, employees.
JULI FREEDMAN: Thanks guys for meeting with me, I know it must be pretty hectic right now with the grand opening
LEVI DAYAN: You got some nerve meeting with us
PRIYA BANERJEE: Really fucked us over with the whole split. We thought you liked The Grape!
JF: Why don’t we leave the past in the past, just for the sake of this interview. So what is the role you have here at Squirtland?
LD: Mmmmm
PB: Do you wanna say?
LD: Not really
PB: I don’t wanna say either
LD: Our job is . . .um. . *cough* squirters *cough*
JF: WHAT! I can't hear you!
PB: Squirters! All team members here are called Squirters!
JF: Oh this is too good
LD: Well we wouldn’t have to be squirters if we didn’t get kicked off our own paper!
JF: Awww mommy daddy miss their cushy little office and their 300k/year salary?
PB: They are paying you how much??
JF: and dental, which actually will cover my fang implants
LD: Don’t look at me! You tricked me into giving you $50 bucks for what you said would be a necessary procedure! You said your teeth were falling out!
JF: Well according to SFC, my fangs are a very necessary procedure
PB: Please give us back The Grape!
JF: No, now go on tell me more about your job as squirters
LD: We tell the kids when they can slide down the slides
PB: I work at the squirtdog booth. It’s like a hot dog but the bun comes pre-dampened.
JF: *huuuuuge hyena cackle*
LD: We greet the guests with a song.
PB: God, why are you telling them about the song?!?!
LD: I don’t know I guess I have just lost all human dignity
JF: No, please sing the song!
LD and PB: “Because I’m Squirting! Clap along if you feel like a squirter without a slide! Because I’m squirting! Clap along if you're wet and along for the ride! Because I’m Squirting! Clap along if you know what squirting is to you! Because I’m Squirting! Clap along if squirting is what you wanna do!”
JF: *slow maniacal clap*
PB: That song was off the record right?
JF: perhaps. . .
LD: You have to say off the record before you say what you want off the record!
PB: I thought I did! FUCK
LD: Please Juli, without Bad Habits, The Grape is tanking! And we know that you need us too! I heard that the campus has not been receptive to your “edgy” stuff!
JF: It’s very European! This campus will never get it *lights out cigarette on beret*
PB: Yeah Juli, we will do anything to have The Grape and Bad Habits reunite for good!
JF: Hmmmm, anything?
PB: Yes, really, anything.
JF: Okay, well if you say anything, I want a lifetime pass to Squirtland
LD: Done
JF: And whenever I pass you guys in the hallway, I want you to sing that song
LD: I guess we can do that
JF: And I want Priya to give me cool girl lessons. I want to know what you know. I want your clothes, your hair, your shoes, and a boyfriend.
LD: Aren’t you like gay or somethin—
JF: Hush! Yes I want a super steamy boyfriend to talk at. If I am not pretty, popular, WITH FANGS, and not at arms length softly petting the hair of my new puppy boyfriend by graduation, then the Grape will be ALL MINE FOREVER. Deal?
PB: Deal.
LD: You really think you could make it happen?
PB: Oh, for The Grape, I’ll make it happen
LD and PB: *jumping for joy* Grape! Grape! Grape!
JF: Oh, and one more thing
LD: You already have a lot of things
JF: One Squirtdog
PB: Really?
JF: Yeah it sounds kinda good