by the Official Oberlin Exco Committee (not a legally binding title)
art by Sam Merrick
[originally published October 2021]
There’s only one thing better than a regular college, and that’s an experimental college. The old saying “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” doesn’t apply at Oberlin, and this semester our student body’s brightest minds have been experimenting to hell and back with these courses! We’re happy to give all of you today a preview of what we, the Official Oberlin Exco Committee, who have officially written this article together, have to offer, officially. Enjoy!
Piggyco
From the twisted mind of that one quiet guy in your bio class comes the most refreshing exco of the semester! In this course, expert piss pigs will teach amateur piggies the importance of hydration, aim, and stamina as they train to impress the world-renowned Piss Queen. Credit for the class will be given based on the evaluation by the Piss Queen, and she is not easy to please. But, urine luck! 1 deserving piggy will be granted official piss pig status for being the filthiest little mud-grubbin hog and will serve the Piss Queen for eternity. Each piggy is responsible for their own water jug, slop bucket, and uninstalling the toilets in their residency so they can practice their skills in pairs outside the classroom. Final exams will be held in the center of Tappan where the Piss Queen will provide olympic-like tasks for the amateur piggies. All are welcome to watch the showcase - just stay out of the splash zone!
Punchco
If you’re an Oberlin College student who wants nothing more than to punch stuff all day, there’s only one class for you, and it sure as shit ain’t Animal Biocapital. Punchco is Oberlin’s only course dedicated entirely to punching, in all of its myriad forms. Taught by former IDF soldier John Cougar Herbert Walker Bush, Punchco teaches Oberlin students how to punch high, how to punch low, how to punch birds, how to punch deer, and how to punch a whole bunch of shit you don’t even want to know about, and won’t know until you take the course! And for the final exam, students will get to punch not one, not two, but three holes in the wall, 3rd Floor Barrows Lounge 2018 style. Sign up or GET PUNCHED!
Do I Have A Foot Fetishco?
Welcome to Do I Have A Foot Fetishco, Oberlin’s first safe space for those questioning the important questions. Once a week you’ll be able to come to class and pose hypotheticals (we swear it’s hypothetical) of scenarios that might constitute foot fetish-ery. Included in the curriculum is the answer to the top of the foot/bottom of the foot conundrum (spoiler: kissing the top of the foot is a-okay!). Each class will begin with light ankle stretching and move into a massage circle. Open toed shoes required.
SantaCo
Who is Santa? Why is he sooooo jolly? And why did I not get a switch for christmas? All I asked for was a switch, like the one Gavin has. Like c’mon I have been such a good boy. I shared my toys with my sister, I ate all my vegetables, and I made my bed every freakin day! Gavin calls his mom the B-word when she tells him to take a bath and he gets a switch!?! All I got was an architectural lego set. I haven’t played with legos since i was 4!!! I’m 6 now! And the architectural sets are for gay people, and my mom said that Santa puts gay people on the naughty list.
In this class we will learn all about the origins, traditions, and pop culture portrayals of Saint Nick but also ask Santa. . . am I gay?
Transco
Spooky season is upon us and what better way to celebrate than through a big transformation - into a vampire! Transco offers insight into both the current vampires of Trannslyvania and detailed instruction on how to become the palest, scariest, bloodthirstiest monster you always knew you were. Learn our tips and tricks so when you go home for break you won’t just be mommy’s anemic goth child but an immortal being that slurps the blood of virgins. Required materials include swooshy black capes, a confused sense of self, flour, and a mason jar (sometimes you have leftovers). You’ll be evaluated on how well you can discreetly shift from mortal being to immortal, accuracy of bite, and ability to dress well, even without recognizing yourself in the mirror. Forbidden: garlic, crosses, silver bullets, and stakes
MILFco
Do you think Stacey’s mom has got it going on? Have you ever called your fourth-grade teacher “mom” by accident? Are you having a hard time scheduling a therapy appointment at the counseling center? Then MILFco may help fill that void that was definitely not filled by a present maternal figure. Our instructors will match students one-on-one with generous, kind, dazzling, brilliant, husky-voiced women from the greater Cleveland area who happen to have children. This course is structured as a private reading, and may require work outside of class, from babysitting Monica’s 18-month-old when needed to driving Jennifer’s asshole son Brian to the airport. Assessments will be based on feedback from the mothers on how they’re being pampered, respected, and enjoyed by their assigned students. If you get laid by the end of the semester, let us know in our survey! We want to keep this exco going for MILFS to come. :)
Bluesco
Bluesco is the first exco dedicated to tracing the historic roots of American music. Students will start at the very beginning in the home of the blues: a small village in Surrey where Eric Clapton, the first official bluesman, was born. After being immersed in Slowhand’s discography, students will then move on to Stevie Ray Vaughn, and then progress further down the great journey of the blues to Jack White, John Mayer, The Black Keys, and finally, Steven Seagal. Special preference given to the recently divorced.
NibbleCo
If I see a baby’s chubby cheeks, you know I just need a little nibble.