by Howard Bongiovi
[originally published August 2021]
This summer Oberlin responded to COVID by spreading out when students were on campus, and the results unsurprisingly brought a lot of complaining from students. Well, I’m not having any of that fucking shit. My name’s Howard Bongiovi, I was born without tear ducts, and I had the best fucking summer in my life, but you wouldn’t know that from how the gang of wimps collectively known as the frickin Oberlin student body reacted to this summer of epicness. People whine about not having enough time off between the Spring and Summer semesters, I say tough fucking luck. I’ve never taken a single break in all of my 19 years of living life, and I can spend hours and hours in a single empty room without so much as even thinking about jerking off. So don’t give me that burnout shit. Like me and the boys scream repeatedly scream while we ride the exercise bikes at Shanks, no days off - and that applies to school, something I used to think was pretty gay but got really into when I realized that academics is like the sports of the mind.
People here complain all day about the Rat, Umami, and Lord-Saunders all being closed for the summer. As if there isn’t a Walmart right down the street that’s just fucking BRIMMING with buckets of whey protein. If they still have buckets of whey protein when *I’m* done shopping, you have NO fucking excuse to not be eating whey protein. People complain about the construction taking up so much space on campus, but those same losers look at me weird when I dump buckets of water in the holes and try to fish in them. So what the FUCK is the answer? And I think it’s soooooo telling that not a single one of these mopey dickheads ever talks about all the time me and the boys spent in the woods, where we discovered fairies and other celestial beings and learned that angels are, IN FACT, real. So don’t you fucking DARE tell me the summer semester wasn’t AWESOME!
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