by the Student Labor Action Coalition
[originally published November 2021]
If you have seen anything SLAC has put out the last couple weeks, you know that Oberlin is pretty secretive about their investments. As frustrating as this can be, it can also serve as a fun little guessing game! As a self-proclaimed expert in the field of finance, I think it’s only fair that I go first as an example.
First, you make a guess: “Hmmmm, is Oberlin College investing in Fossil Fuel Extraction?” While fossils are very cool, when they are fuel it is quite bad.
Second, you can’t find out: “I have no idea because Oberlin’s investing is completely secretive and they refuse to release information to the public.”
Let’s try another one. Is Oberlin College investing in Private Prisons? I have no idea because Oberlin’s investing is completely secretive and they refuse to release information to the public.
Is Oberlin investing in a collective fund of Hobby Lobby, Chick-fil-A, the Salvation Army, and other companies that say “gay bad” (but like in a funding genocide way)? I have no idea because Oberlin’s investing is completely secretive and they refuse to release information to the public.
I’m not one for kinkshaming, but we have to wonder if Oberlin is investing in the creation, sale, and distribution of hardcore tentacle porn? We don't know what these little freaks on the trustee board are into! I have no idea because Oberlin’s investing is completely secretive and they refuse to release information to the public.
Now it's your turn to try our Madlibs!!! Is Oberlin investing in _______________? I have no idea because _____________________________________. See, isn’t it fun!?
The brilliant part about this game is that it goes on forever! As long as you can think of another horrendous thing that Oberlin could THEORETICALLY be investing in, you can take another turn. Now, of course, this is not a game saying that the Oberlin College Board of Trustees Investment Committee (Sean Gavin (chair), Chris Canavan, Carmen Ambar, Chuck Birenbaum, and Eric Katzman) IS investing in these things. It is simply a game based on the fact that we have absolutely no idea what they ARE investing in, and that literally any horrible, disgusting, embarrassing thing you can think of COULD be what they are investing in. They could THEORETICALLY be investing in fossil fuels, private prisons, homophobic companies, or tentacle porn and we would have absolutely no idea. Personally, I think we should ALL start playing this game ALL the time. After all, it’s fun, and it would be a real shame if they had to open the books to prove us wrong…
Anyway… you can send any submissions for what you think Oberlin’s hidden investments could be to @SLACOberlin on instagram or Oberlinslac@gmail.com!