by Isabel Hardwig
Bad Habits Editor
The weather is getting warmer, which means that every available lawn is overrun with massive, formless groups of people. Naturally, you might start to wonder: is that a friend group so large that it makes me insecure about my own social life, or is it just an otherwise-unrelated bunch of people continuing their education outside? It’s impossible to tell, which is why we at Bad Habits have compiled this real-time survey to guide you through the situation.
1. Can you overhear any of their conversation? What are they talking about?
They’re talking about this one guy that they all knew in sixth grade named “Parker Pims.” I think it’s an anthropology class.
I can’t tell; those who aren’t maintaining a silent, soulful eye contact seem to be mostly whispering into each other’s necks. Maybe it’s a club meeting.
They are discussing “the readings”—possibly some kind of secret friendship code?
2. Hmm, okay, that’s a tough one. Are they all participating in a group activity?
They’re making color-coordinated anklets with letter beads that spell out all 16 of their names. I think it’s an environmental sculpture class.
Yeah, a lot of them seem to be touching each other under the shirt. Don’t know what that’s all about!
Mostly they are taking notes in their notebooks, probably about how much they all love each other and how they’re going to Country Skateland after this.
3. Still so hard to tell! Are they all roughly the same age?
Yes, and they have the same haircut and the same piercings and the same pair of jeans, which fits all of them even though they have such different body types, and which they send back and forth whenever one of them needs a little magic in their life. I think it’s a computer science class.
Think so. I can’t really get a good look at their faces, since most of them are buried in [JOKE REDACTED].
One of them is much, much older than the rest, and he seems to be doing most of the talking. I want to be part of this friend group so bad I am going to die.
4. Hey, one of them is your friend Ralph! Maybe you can ask them what’s going on here.
Ralph says that they don’t actually like me that much, and have been slowly distancing themselves so they can spend more time with these people, who are all best friends. I think it’s a biology class, since Ralph is a biology major.
Ralph seems kind of busy and also annoyed to see me. I will ask later whether they have a friendly or more professional relationship with the person currently sucking their nipple ring.
Ralph says that this is PHIL121: Philosophy and Morality. That’s such a cool group chat name. I hope Ralph can get me in with these people at some point.
5. Doesn’t sound like Ralph’s going to be much help. Are they all going their separate ways after 50 minutes?
They’ve been here for eight hours now, and they’re laughing more every minute. I think it’s a politics class.
It took a little less than 50 minutes before they all joined together in a singular, collective moment of ecstasy. Maybe class let out early because it’s so nice out? I love it when professors do that.
At about minute 47, half of them were pointedly looking at their phones, and a few people started packing up their bags so they could leave the absolute second the clock ticked over. I can’t wait until they’re all godparents to each other’s children.
Mostly A’s: Though you might feel like this is an outdoor class, I regret to inform you that this is actually a huge friend group! Though they might act like classmates, or casual acquaintances, these people are the best friends in the world.
Mostly B’s: Common mistake! This is an orgy.
Mostly C’s: Your suspicion that these people are a massive, tight-knit friend group is unfounded; signs point to this being an outdoor class! It’s like a normal class, but outside, and it’s very special.