By Fionna Roy
Opinions Editor
Kendall Roy is obviously the best character ever created—-if you don’t know who he is then you don’t watch Succession, and if you don’t watch Succession then how old are you, four? There are many things that make Kendall an incredible individual and my dream ex-husband. His hobbies include crying to LCD Soundsystem in the shower (me), leaving cocaine on his children’s iPads (give it a few years), and committing vehicular manslaughter (no comment). He speaks through awesome one-liners of mystical revelation, like “I’m looking for pussy like a techno Gatsby” (I go by Daisy now). He is also very sad and kind of ugly with huge daddy issues, so I don’t know how he could be more perfect.
As a representative of the un-institutionalized cohort of Kendall Girlies (all five of us), here is what I think will happen to daddy’s #1 boy in season four, based only in the reality of my own delusion and obsession:
Kendall and Stewy will finally explore each other’s bodies: the sexual tension between these two far surpasses that of me seeing people my age at the airport. Kendall and Stewy have been undressing each other with their eyes since long before the vote of no confidence in season one, way back in their Harvard days. K and S will finally pursue their forbidden lust this season, but Stewy will break it off for Suki Waterhouse in episode seven.
Kendall will be permanently banned from Twitter and Hinge: Kendall will get into a public row with Elon Musk, Greta Thunberg, and Bethenny Frankel on Twitter, which will cause him to be permanently banned from the platform until daddy buys it. He will also be banned from Hinge for his voice memos that may or may not contain insider secrets recorded during a Ken.W.A reunion.
Kendall buys The New Yorker, sets New Yorker headquarters on fire: Obie tote bag manufacturer The New Yorker notoriously called Kendall (or his psychic host, Jeremy Strong) ugly and insufferable last year. Obviously that is unacceptable behavior and New Yorker writers are as insightful as a lobotomized koala. Kendall must support the Logan Roy School of Journalism, a proud supporter of the Jack the Ripper Women’s Health Clinic, so The New Yorker must go.
Kendall will remember his child’s name: Kendall is too busy blasting the patriarchy to remember his children’s names at times. I don’t blame him, because he did name one of them Iverson. However, in season four, Kendall will remember Sophie’s name, and even her birthday!
Kendall will be fatally stabbed by the dainty-wristed hand of Gregory Hirsch: Last season, Jesse Amrstrong was threatened by a small Kendall Girl uprising when he made us think Ken killed himself on the floatie. Kendall obviously needs to die in a much more honorable fashion. As we also all remember from last season, Kendall bought Greg that $40k watch but then pulled the old Uno reverse and was like “Hey, where’s my $40k?” After finally copulating with Red Scare girl, Gregory will work up the courage to stab Kendall in the sternum area over this indiscretion, and Waystar Royco will become German (Gerri & Roman) territory. Greg will then start going to the gym and eating only red meat.
Obviously this is all just conjecture, the aimless ramblings of my bored HBO-crazed imagination. But if there’s one thing we can agree upon: Succession might be ending this season, but Kendall…Kendall is forever.
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